The Mirage

Agonising memories
of what we’ve lost,
What we’ve built
and didn’t fight for,
Our sacred wishes
that are now silly whims,
Our beautiful plans
That are now impossible ideals.

I miss you,
and I miss weaving dreams with you
in that innocent way
that could only happen
in those initial months,
that however extended
will still be too short.

I miss the eagerness of us
the foolishness of us
in simply wanting to be close.

We were perpetually
posing the question
is this dream for real?
But we ran away
from the answer,
Not wanting to see
that we always have to wake up
even after the most beautiful slumber.

But here we are
Facing reality at last
Or rather,
here I am and there you are, wherever you are,
facing our separate realities.

Conceding our hopes, desires and fantasies
to some sad, mature rationality.

Thank you for the three years, Jai.

Deepest Fear

Coach Carter
written by Mark Schwahn and John Gatins

Coach Ken Carter: What is your deepest fear?
Timo Cruz: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Battle Against Barriers

Hardened.
Cement, sand, water.
Hardened.

Thumped my fist against the wall.
Thumped my head against the wall.
Futile.
Cold.
Hardened.

Years of happily
nurturing the wall
Years of fearfully
building the wall

proved to be nothing
but a waste of energy.

I had built a trap for myself.
A trap.
For I made sure there would be no way out.
The cement, sand and water are one now.

But I am imperfect.
There must be an exit.
This circular dull grey walls
might have a crack,
an opening.

And finally I found it.

Often I find myself
at the threshold of the opening
Afraid to step out
for my home is
within these grey walls.

This is my comfort zone.

Sometimes
Bravery takes over
Pushed by fear.
Induced by circumstances
or just simple belief.

So I step out
Greeted by the sunlight
that I’ve sorely missed.
I closed my eyes as I let my face
be bathed by the sweeping rays.

But when I open them,
Endless grey walls
shocked me.
I am in an endless maze.

“I’ll see to the end of this”
I tell myself
as I prepare for the adventure.
“It will not be easy,
It will not be short,
but I will bathe in the sunlight again.”

I fill my heart and mind with my own
reassuring words,
eager to face the challenges.

But my feet feel heavy.
They refuse to move forward.
They are afraid of the unknown.

I turn my back on the endless grey walls.
And my feet sprung with energy
I ran back to my circular hell,
the familiar grey walls.

‘It is hell’, I tell myself,
but ‘at least it’s a hell that I know’

I took one last look at those familiar grey walls
before closing my eyes to sleep
blanketed by the security of the familiar
lamenting that once again,
today,
I lost the battle.