You hailed me as a crystal from the sea
so rare
so pure
so intriguing
I believed myself to be
but then it changed so quickly
You found so many other
beautiful ones
I guess you thought I was unique
But it was just that you weren’t looking around
Toss me back into the sea
You should have never picked me up
This excitement
Without my jumps
Without my twirling
Without my laughs
The gurgling of the heart
Is absent
The shortness of breath
Is absent
Yet I feel it
By not feeling it
This is new
And I welcome it
Quietly…
Like it has always been there
I should be falling
My body is in the air
But I’m still waiting
I think
I want to let go
I speak
As if I know
But my toes are still on the ledge
I don’t even know how they’re holding me
Even though I want to be glad
I know I can’t let go of me
How do I value
What I can achieve
If it’s easy for you
To shove it aside?
I have to tell you
How hard it was
I have to show you
The struggle that was
I have to live it
I have to show it
Where else do I live if not in your eyes?
You
The one I wanted to impress
I thought
I was above you, no less
But now
I see that you I want to be
And I’m
Left to face the real me
This persona
that I want you to believe
is ironic
Because it’s what I’ve achieved
After years of breaking myself down
and looking forward to a new being
I refuse it right in the eye
because to the old I duly cling
How can I blame
this arduous gain
for it’s exactly what I had wished for
How could I see
this wish inside me
is not what I wanted at all?
How could you let me leave
with my little foot hanging out
Knowing that one day I’ll grow up
to stare at this symmetrical perfection
How could you let me
pursue my curiousity
knowing that there would be
this vicious cycle
that robs me of myself
No, you didn’t know
How could you know?
My mind is my own and noone else’s
Yet I still lament about
that innocence
that peace
Those little treasures I could not recognise
I wish I knew that day
That things
could be different
Did you know
that you gave too much space for me?
I knew
from the way you look at me
You let me be myself too much
Consoling my guilt with your touch
But now you are no more
And I’m alone with my guilt
I’m tired of
building sand castles on this beach
I’m tired of
being fascinated with building grandeur on a whim
I’m tired of
paying attention to every stroke on this castle
I’m tired of
brushing off thoughts that the castle will not be there tomorrow
while I admire
the perfection
that is too pristine to be true
I’m tired of
denying that the high tide would come
I’m tired of
forcing myself to believe
that the castle is not made of sand
I’m tired of
having to face that my beautiful castle
will give in to the water
I’m tired of
watching it being flattenned to the ground
as I cry
for now there is a void in me
where the castle once stood so majestically.
Assumptions
become facts in your mind
and it shocks you
when the opposite occurs
and you wonder
how did you become so silly?
Agonising memories
of what we’ve lost,
What we’ve built
and didn’t fight for,
Our sacred wishes
that are now silly whims,
Our beautiful plans
That are now impossible ideals.
I miss you,
and I miss weaving dreams with you
in that innocent way
that could only happen
in those initial months,
that however extended
will still be too short.
I miss the eagerness of us
the foolishness of us
in simply wanting to be close.
We were perpetually
posing the question
is this dream for real?
But we ran away
from the answer,
Not wanting to see
that we always have to wake up
even after the most beautiful slumber.
But here we are
Facing reality at last
Or rather,
here I am and there you are, wherever you are,
facing our separate realities.
Conceding our hopes, desires and fantasies
to some sad, mature rationality.
Thank you for the three years, Jai.
